'You can't think straight when your children have died' - Yorkshire couple organise baby loss ball in honour of their two daughters

Now, little over a year later, they have organised a celebratory ball in honour of their girls and other much-loved and missed babies. Through it, the couple, who live near Selby, hope to raise awareness of baby loss and support a charity that helped them to make precious memories with their beloved daughters.

“These beautiful angel babies and children should have had a lifetime of celebrations for their birthdays and important events, so creating an evening in which people can come together to honour them is something we’re so proud to do in memory of our daughters, and in their names,” says Hayley.

“A lot of the occasions in Baby Loss Awareness Week are candlelit Church services and things and they’re beautiful, they’re lovely, they do have a special place, but they’re not quite right for a lot of people. Although it’s unbelievably heartbreakingly sad, our greatest joy was becoming Alya and Aleah’s parents and the greatest day of our lives was meeting them. I think it’s easy for people just to see in baby loss the trauma not the joy and pride your children have brought you.”

Alya and Aleah’s Baby Loss Awareness Ball will take place at Pavilions of Harrogate on October 14, within the annual Baby Loss Awareness Week. “We find that sadly baby loss is still a bit of a taboo subject,” Hayley says. “We’d desperately love to try to change that. For a lot of people in the baby loss community, all they would love is for their children to be included, remembered, honoured, celebrated, acknowledged, have their names spoken... Often people are so worried about saying the wrong thing that they choose silence instead. If we can try to encourage people to speak about it a little more openly, if that’s what the parents would like, and for people to follow their lead in talking about their children, that would be amazing.”

For Hayley and Neil, the event is also about raising funds for 4Louis, a charity supporting families through miscarriage, stillbirth and child loss. One of the ways the charity helps is by providing memory boxes for parents, offering a special way for bereaved families to capture memories and make precious keepsakes.

Hayley and Neil treasured such a gesture. Their girls, Alya and Aleah, underwent laser surgery in Birmingham for Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome in late July last year. The rare condition means twins share unequal amounts of the placenta’s blood supply resulting in them growing at different rates and putting them at risk of differing complications. Alya and Aleah’s surgery was a success but later that day, both their hearts stopped beating and they were stillborn on August 2 last year at York Hospital at 25 weeks gestation. In the days that followed, Hayley and Neil were able to make treasured memories with their girls, moments made possible by the midwifery team and the gift of a memory box from 4Louis.

Hayley says: “In the most heart-breaking time of your life, putting one foot in front of the other is hard enough, so having the guidance from the box about how we could make memories was so special and made such a difference. You can’t think straight when your children have died, and we are so grateful we were able to collect locks of the girls’ hair, make hand and footprints, and more. These are the most treasured things we possess.”

Opening the box, the couple realised they weren’t alone, an important step in their grieving and healing journeys. “[That time] was earth-shattering, world crushing, pretty indescribable,” Hayley reflects. “Your version of yourself as you were before your children died dies with them and you become a completely different person. There are no words…Unless you’ve been through it, I don’t think anyone can quite comprehend how horrific it is. It’s the worst thing I think most people can think of, your children dying.”

“The ball is very much for everybody,” she adds. “You don’t have to have been affected directly by baby loss, just coming to support is amazing, having people come together to celebrate these beautiful children.” Visit alyaaleahbabylossawarenessball.co.uk